The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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