Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
