end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
