Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
pray to the hookup gods
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
