I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
