Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
