Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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