you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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