im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
