Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
