My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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