I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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