Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Are my feet made of real feet?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
