yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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