Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
