I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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