Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
