Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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