He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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