woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
