you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
