Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
