i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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