she woke up with a sticky ear
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
