Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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