remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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