Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i love accidental penises.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
