my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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