i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
