I smell stomach acid.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
