Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
