i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
