I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
