How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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