i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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