I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
