My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
