Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
