I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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