sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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