I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
