he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
