i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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