Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
