you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
