After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
