I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
