True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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