my sisters under your porch take her home
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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