apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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