I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
