i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
