Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
