to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You need a sexual gate keeper
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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