if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
only if we run a train.
done.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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