Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
